October 27, 2015

Writer's Block and Reflecting on the Past

Reflecting on mental health and healing from personal trauma

It's been a while since I last posted. I've had a real case of writer's block. I'm sure we are all familiar with that feeling of being unable to write, draw or express ourselves through whatever our chosen medium is. Sometimes life is too much and we need space to think and process things before we can let the creativity come out.

I feel as though the last couple years of my life have been a constant torrent of tough times. I still don't feel I'm here. It's as if I'm on the outside of everything that's happened and I'm looking in, taking tentative peaks before dropping the curtain back down. Perhaps it's my subconscious survival method. I haven't healed from certain traumas and dramas and it's only at this point that I am beginning to see the extent of the damage done. This isn't a cry for help, nor do I intend to be self-indulgent about my struggles - we all have struggles. I'm just sitting here at 9:30am with a cup of peppermint tea, my cat on the window ledge to my right. It's grey and drizzly outside. I feel that I'm in a space where I can finally collect my thoughts and make an attempt to update this blog.

When I got together with my now-husband, things clicked into place. I suddenly had the support and love I so desperately needed. A series of events and poor relationship choices had got the better of me. I had no idea who I was (I originally wrote anymore, but at the age of 19-23 - did I know who I was?). The stress and complications of said relationship meant my behaviour and mental health left a lot to be desired. I was consumed by this relationship and everything that came with it. Angry, hurt and bewildered, I'd move on only to be pulled back into the same mess. We should have known better. I didn't know better - I had a turbulent childhood. There was drugs. There was violence. There was alcohol. There was my bipolar mother disappearing for days at a time. There was my dad cheating. My dad's parents basically brought me and my little brother up for a time (our two sisters were a bit older and have a different father). So, I didn't know better. I hadn't witnessed healthy relationships. On top of that, I was so very young - I still am young. I met Josh and it was so suddenly all just right. However, in the time that we've been together, I've gone through hell. If he hadn't been by my side, I don't think I would have made it.

I often stop midway through my day, doing whatever I'm doing and become conscious of the weight I'm carrying around. There is always this feeling of unease. It manifests itself sometimes as anxiety, anger, irritations, snapping at my loved ones for no reason and, at darker times, a depression that keeps me inside my house for a few days. I want to be rid of that weight, but I'm terrified of having to open myself up, delve in and pull out all the things I've expertly pushed aside into their own compartments. I wouldn't say I am plagued by depression, as of late I've been quite level, but this feeling is always there and in order for it to subside, I know I need to address the issues behind it. Both recent and those buried in the past. I'm just not ready today and probably not tomorrow either. I don't feel strong enough to cope with the pain and heartache that's going to come hand in hand with opening up. So not today, but soon.

I'm happy and I have this stability, but I'm still struggling beneath it all. I'm a newlywed very much looking forward to the future, but I still have things bubbling away beneath the surface. I am blessed with this marriage and the things I am able to do and the places I get to go, but that does not mean I'm immune. I say this because I've heard people make judgements based on what they think they know about me through my instagram account. It's unfair, but I suppose is part and parcel of having an internet presence these days. I figure those people surely must also be suffering in order to pass such harsh judgement on the way other people are living their lives. I can't say I spend my days worrying about it, though. It's the internet and sometimes we all need to take a step back and look at the bigger picture. Be present in our own lives and not wrapped up in the lives of others. I have plenty of other things to be worrying about - or even enjoy.

I'm okay and I know I'll be better. Here's to getting on top of things - especially that writer's block!

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2 comments

  1. I stumbled across your blog via your lovely Instagram and happened to read this post. I have in turn had my fair share of trauma like everyone does I guess but it effected my poor partner choices for a long time until I finally broke free, recognised my behaviour patterns and something changed. I also met the man of my dreams and everything is settled but there's the underlying problems of the past that edge around the edges of my mind and I completely understand. I tried a lot of things but found the best thing for me was mediation. I do it everyday and I have to say although it's not a cure it really does help. You might already know as you seem to be the sort of people whose already interested in it but there's mediation classes every Tuesday night at 7 at the Buddhist centre nearly the Adelphi . It's worth a go if you haven't tried it. Just keep swimming lovely egg . Best of luck your wedding photos look incredible. Keep fighting the good fight

    Best . Amber

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